A couple of years ago, Planbreaker delighted in reading some letters that I had written to her in 1996. Apparently, I was a big fan of using the phrase "I tells ya" when I was 23. Ouch. There is no excuse for that, no matter what the age.
I'm old, jaded, and cynical now. But there was once a day when I enjoyed talking on the phone and writing letters. There was a day when I was young and impressionable. There was a day when I kept a journal and read it to whoever happened to be passing by. I wanted to be heard, damnit.
I kept a journal on a fairly consistent basis from January, 1993 when I was obsessed with a certain JMU girl who shared my love of R.E.M. all the way until May, 2000 when I started dating someone (not Youthlarge) who had admitted that she had read her previous boyfriend's journal in an attempt to find out why things weren't so good between them anymore. I was afraid she'd read my journal if things started getting bad. I also had grown tired of my journal anyway. My journal writing had turned from an attempt to work through my feelings to a simple list of the recent things I had done. So I stopped writing in it.
But after trolling down memory lane with yesterday's post, I grew curious. How silly would these old entries be? I have no desire to delve into the hundreds of pages of my twentysomething psyche. But I couldn't resist the temptation to look through at least a couple of them.
Here are a few selected highlights of my first and last entries-- massively edited to protect the innocent and at least part of my already tattered reputation.
Sun 1/17/93 2:07 a.m.
O.K. so maybe I am fucked. ... O.K. to set the mood - I'm now listening to Automatic for the People. Knowing me this will be my first and last entry. I just talked to Janel for 45 minutes about life, love, and the whole P---- mess. ... Excuse me if this doesn't make complete linear sense but I am very tired and not entirely sober. My feelings for her are very strong. It's too bad that I wasn't writing a diary when I was obsessed with J---- or E----. I would have been saying the same things. Things change. A year from now will I even be friends with P----? I think and hope so but who the fuck knows? ... Anyway, I'm very tired - I'm going to finish the R.E.M. article in Details and then doze to the sounds of Stipe. Should I go see him tomorrow at the Lincoln Memorial? Nah - Football's on. Everybody hurts. Yeah Yeah, Blah Blah Blah. Maybe I'll write again, but don't count on it.
My last entry was on May 8, 2000. The first line was "Cutie on a bicycle across from me on the subway as I write" and my very last line was "New York City!"
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12 comments:
i think the most shocking thing in here is that you were blowing off Stipe to watch football. that Listmaker is looong gone.
No doubt, your rejection of football is a major character flaw.
The phrase "I'm going to finish the R.E.M. article in Details" brought me up short. From Sammuel Pepys diary, May 3 1667:
"Verily I shall shaft the serving wench but betwixt then and now I shall climactically peruse the Hothouse Flowers essay in FHM". Uncanny.
Yea, so stop giving me a hard time!
-Your 21 Year Old, who sometimes does and says stupid things (according to her 32 year old brother) sister,
Amy
To Dan's credit, and keep in mind this is years ago, but still, I only ever heard him marvel at how cool his younger sister was.
It's interesting that in your diary you apologize for not making any sense. no wonder you had to stop writing, you were being too hard on yourself!
i liked how you used the word trolling in this post.
Oh, and Nats rule, Mets drool! Oh wait, I'm not Dad.
-Amy
So many freakish similarities. I have a sister called Amy who happens to be in town and has sometimes been known to annoy me. I also kept a journal between 1994 and 2001 which covered the beguiling twenties. Wierd twixt n' twain moment, My sister (who knows nothing about baseball, she's over from the UK) picked up an Orieles cap and purchased it for her daughter. "It's got a pretty bird on the front".
i still have those letters, if anyone wants to take a look at them. they are charming and hilarious. and i am a packrat.
I love these glimpses into the formative years of the Listmaker. Were you a Details subscriber or casual reader?
the one thing our friend, listmaker, forgot to mention was one of his old habits when writing in his journal. if memory serves, he would read the entry from the previous year (or maybe the entry from five years prvious) before writing a new journal entry. LM, please correct me if i'm wrong.
amy w- please burn those letters.
mitch - i did not have a subscription - i just bought the issue because stipe was on the cover.
marc - you are right. good memory.
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