Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Teenagers - Go to Hell!

From yesterday's NY Times comes this enlightening article about how to rid yourself of nasty, loitering teenagers. Next time, you need those disrespectful little beasts to just fucking leave already, now there is an answer.

The device, called the Mosquito ("It's small and annoying," Mr. Stapleton said), emits a high-frequency pulsing sound that, he says, can be heard by most people younger than 20 and almost no one older than 30. The sound is designed to so irritate young people that after several minutes, they cannot stand it and go away.

So far, the Mosquito has been road-tested in only one place, at the entrance to the Spar convenience store in this town in South Wales. Like birds perched on telephone wires, surly teenagers used to plant themselves on the railings just outside the door, smoking, drinking, shouting rude words at customers and making regular disruptive forays inside.

"On the low end of the scale, it would be intimidating for customers," said Robert Gough, who, with his parents, owns the store. "On the high end, they'd be in the shop fighting, stealing and assaulting the staff."

Mr. Gough (pronounced GUFF) planned to install a sound system that would blast classical music into the parking lot, another method known to horrify hang-out youths into dispersing, but never got around to it. But last month, Mr. Stapleton gave him a Mosquito for a free trial. The results were almost instantaneous. It was as if someone had used anti-teenager spray around the entrance, the way you might spray your sofas to keep pets off. Where disaffected youths used to congregate, now there is no one.

At first, members of the usual crowd tried to gather as normal, repeatedly going inside the store with their fingers in their ears and "begging me to turn it off," Mr. Gough said. But he held firm and neatly avoided possible aggressive confrontations: "I told them it was to keep birds away because of the bird flu epidemic."

A trip to Spar here in Barry confirmed the strange truth of the phenomenon. The Mosquito is positioned just outside the door. Although this reporter could not hear anything, being too old, several young people attested to the fact that yes, there was a noise, and yes, it was extremely annoying.

"It's loud and squeaky and it just goes through you," said Jodie Evans, 15, who was shopping at the store even though she was supposed to be in school. "It gets inside you."

Miss Evans and a 12-year-old friend who did not want to be interviewed were once part of a regular gang of loiterers, said Mr. Gough's father, Philip. "That little girl used to be a right pain, shouting abuse and bad language," he said of the 12-year-old. "Now she'll just come in, do her shopping and go."

Robert Gough, who said he could hear the noise even though he is 34, described it as "a pulsating chirp," the sort you might hear if you suffered from tinnitus. By way of demonstration, he emitted a batlike squeak that was indeed bothersome.

This sounds great, but for my money I'd rather buy one of these.

Mr. Stapleton, a security consultant whose experience in installing store alarms and the like alerted him to the gravity of the loitering problem, studied other teenage-repellents as part of his research. Some shops, for example, use "zit lamps," which drive teenagers away by casting a blue light onto their spotty skin, accentuating any whiteheads and other blemishes.

So what do the experts say?

The device has not yet been tested by hearing experts.

Andrew King, a professor of neurophysiology at Oxford University, said in an e-mail interview that while the ability to hear high frequencies deteriorates with age, the change happens so gradually that many non-teenagers might well hear the Mosquito's noise. "Unless the store owners wish to sell their goods only to senior citizens," he wrote, "I doubt that this would work."

Mr. Stapleton argues, though, that it doesn't matter if people in their 20's and 30's can hear the Mosquito, since they are unlikely to be hanging out in front of stores, anyway.

I love Stapleton's retort to the experts. Brilliant.

He is considering introducing a much louder unit that can be switched on in emergencies with a panic button. It would be most useful when youths swarm into stores and begin stealing en masse, a phenomenon known in Britain as steaming. The idea would be to blast them with such an unacceptably loud, high noise - a noise inaudible to older shoppers - that they would immediately leave.

"It's very difficult to shoplift," Mr. Stapleton said, "when you have your fingers in your ears."

Any article with references to steaming is alright in my book. Plus, it was about time to add a new tagline to my blog. Thanks Howard Stapleton!

Some of those problem teens that will no longer be bothering us!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Third Grade Flea Market


Before Thanksgiving, the third grade held its annual flea market/bakesale to raise money for needy Brooklyn kids. Jelani set up the sparkling display bucket of blondes.

This year's event was marked by two very interesting occurrences.

1. Fresh off the thrill of purchasing a bag of over one hundred marbles, Sassy New Favorite immediately proceeded to spill the entire bag's contents all over the art room floor. All 35 kids in the room instantly stopped what they were doing and a stunned silence enveloped us all as we stared in shocked disbelief. After five seconds of indecision, I ordered a cease and desist on all brownie and/or Monopoly purchases to assist in the cleanup. Within thirty seconds, we had picked up most of the fallen troops.

2. Deadpan Wit came up with a brilliant and easy way to raise money. "Fuck wasting your time buying that dusty old crap from your closet!" he called out - or something along those lines. His pitch? Give him a quarter and he'll talk to you for a moment. The first unwitting kid coughed up the dough and Deadpan Wit looked him dead in the eye and said, "Hello." That's it, just a hello. Somehow this emerging capitalist scored two bucks for the cause. And because of his quiet charm, not one customer left unsatisfied.

Either that or these private school kids don't understand the value of a quarter.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Princess Usurps Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving! A time to get together with family, share Squanto stories, and imbibe!

It is also a time to bring Princess the Chihuahua to Maryland to see if she will make friends with Sunshine the fat, surly, complacent cat. Stone Groove had been looking forward to this matchup for weeks and was expecting great things. He continually boasted about how the muscular Sunshine was going to have Princess for lunch.

Instead, Sunshine didn't really seem to care too much. However, when Princess growled at him, he took off scampering. All in all, quite a letdown.



Sunshine vs. Princess - The Growling: The Movie

The Curtis boys start the cookoff.

Dinner Time. Which Curtis produced the best turkey?





After dinner, everyone dispersed to their own corners of the world.

Michael watched basketball.

Brian read the paper.

And Baby Boomer Trivial Pursuit was brought out.

Grandma, Princess, and Youthlarge.

After taking Grandma home, it was Gilmore time - in Hi-Def!

On Friday, a few of us went over to my Grandmother's house to watch old family slides.

Eventually it was time to go back to my parents' house.

For some bacon and biscuits!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Baseball Blogs Never Rest But This Blog Does

As I kick back in Maryland, you out there in Listmaker land should take this time to catch up on my Baseball Diaries (nearing the finish line) as well as check out what Eddie Murray is up to.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Gerald the Turkey

Last week for homework, the third grade assigned the world famous "Gerald the Turkey" writing assignment. The story goes that Gerald is a turkey who doesn't want to be eaten this Thanksgiving so he makes alternative plans for the holiday.

Girl Who Still Mourns the Loss of Luther Vandross turned in this amazing gem. Click on picture to enlarge.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Two Nights at Joe's Pub

Neko Case

Konono No. 1

Thanks Joe for writing about this band on your blog over the summer.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

"Can't Too Much Go Wrong Next to a Big Statue of Jesus"



Some congregants say the statue keeps watch over a section of freeway that was once among the most dangerous in Ohio. Twelve people died along that 15-mile stretch of I-75 in the two years before the image was erected, eight of them killed after cars jumped the median into oncoming traffic. Since the statue went up more than two years ago, there have been no such crossover deaths.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I Can't Remember the Last Book I've Read That Was Written By A Woman (What Does That Mean?)

Arthur Kenton - Boogaloo: The Quintessence of American Popular Music, 2003
Jeremy is a swell guy. He is a great gift giver. He read my post about looking for more R and B/soul stuff from about a year ago. So he bought me this book so I could educate myself. What a thoughtful gift! Unfortunately, the book is unreadable. It either is a boring recitation of facts or a verbose stab at hep writing. For example, Kenton writes about Thomas Dorsey, “But his new vocation couldn’t withstand the alternative prospect of a steady income of forty dollars a week; the first time God tugged at Dorsey, his landlord pulled him back hard.” While that isn’t that bad, I couldn’t deal with that kind of writing for 450 pages. I skimmed through after page 50. Promising concept, terrible execution.

Philip Roth - The Breast, 1972
A smug Literature professor of Kafka awakes one morning to discover that he has turned into a gigantic breast. He is hospitalized and tries to continue on with his life. But the only thing that he wants is for his girlfriend to lick and caress him. Even turned into a female body part, all he can think of are his male needs. Reminding me of everything from Metamorphosis to Johnny Got His Gun to Roth’s own Portnoy’s Complaint to the giant breast scence in Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Too Afraid to Ask, this 89 page book was a perfect airplane read.

Thomas Pynchon - The Crying of Lot 49, 1965
This is supposed to be a classic, right? If so, I’m not sure why. As I was reading this, I kept asking myself why I was wasting my time reading this book when I should be reading one of the many Vonnegut books I have not read. In tone and theme, this reminded me of a third rate Vonnegut. Oh so clever and cloying this book was. Am I being too hard on this book? Was I just in a bad mood as I read it on the way to San Francisco last month? Maybe I just don’t have much patience for a book in which the writer thinks he is being clever by name checking a fictional book titled An Account of the Singular Peregrinations of Dr. Diocletian Blobb among the Italians, Illuminated with Exemplary Tales from the True History of That Outlandish And Fantastical Race. Ugh. The whole book was like that.

Elmore Leonard - Get Shorty, 1990
While in San Francisco in October, I decided that I had to get a Leonard book for the flight back. So I bought a used copy of this book and was quite excited. I had heard great things about this book from Leonard fans and I have been on such a Leonard buzz since reading The Hot Kid over the summer. I did like this book but not nearly as much as The Hot Kid. I’m still excited to read more Leonard but something about this book didn’t quite do it for me. And I think the main reason is that I kept thinking of John Travolta the entire time and that ruined it for me. Which is strange because the very same thing actually enhanced my enjoyment when I read the novelization of Look Who’s Talking Too.

Travolta: Scientologist & Ruiner of Elmore Leonard Books

Monday, November 14, 2005

You Got Me Scufflin'

Did you know Eddie Murray is on Live Journal? He just started. I hope he writes some interesting stuff.

Such as:

Eddie goes grocery shopping.
Eddie receives late night calls from a distraught Milton Bradley.
Eddie puts on some Luther Vandross to impress the ladies.
Eddie can't decide what socks to wear this Thursday.
Eddie can't wait to see that new Myla Goldberg movie.
Eddie is the president of the Palo Alto branch of Meals on Wheels.
Eddie likes Green Day but doesn't understand why Billie Joe Armstrong has to have such a pottymouth.

The possibilities are endless.

Stay Tuned

Sunday, November 13, 2005

A Weekend With Turtle Power

Little Sister and Allie visited this weekend.

The weekend included:

A whole hell of a lot of food.
A whole hell of a lot of our visitors burning CDs onto their laptops.
A whole hell of a lot of discussion about Herman's Hermits

Saturday we headed to Grimaldi's and the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory.


Obligatory Touristy Shot

Then Youthlarge took our guests on a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge while I headed to Floyd, NY for some Bocce which inevitably always seems to involve a lot of measuring.

On Sunday, Amy, Allie, and I headed to the NY Historical Society for the new slavery exhibit. While I wasn't overly impressed with the exhibit, I was quite happy to see how crowded the place was. They have had a problem for years with miniscule attendance figures. Almost every time I've visited in the past has been fairly empty. But not today. I suppose there is nothing like forced labor to get the masses stirring.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

This Post Was Meant to Be Handwritten

I used to write letters.
Then I started writing e-mail.
Then I stopped writing letters.

This upsets me. I love knowing that I can go to the closet, take out an old shoebox and read old letters. There is something amazing about seeing that person's handwriting and smelling the mustiness of it all.

Time marches on, I suppose. E-mail makes things so easy. I save some e-mails but it just isn't the same as a letter. Even if I went on a crusade to write letters again (which I'm not), I can't imagine many people would actually take the time to write back. But when I look at this amazing telegram that my grandfather sent to my grandmother (he was out of town) on the night that World War II ended, I feel like we as a society are missing out on something big. Now a message like this would be e-mailed and immediately discarded rather than saved and cherished sixty years later.


Another analog note:

I used to put together photo albums/ scrapbooks. I loved compiling photos, ticket stubs, and other assorted nonsense.

Over time, I have amassed an unwieldy amount of photo albums. I used to love showing visiting friends and family my albums. Eventually, that practice slowed to a trickle. When I started putting pictures on the internet, my photo albums increasingly started to become an afterthought. A bulky, dusty afterthought.

Finally, my photo album compiling has come to an end. Why bother? They just take up needed space. And why pay to send away for prints that aren't as sharp or impressive as they would be on the computer screen?

But just like I lament the loss of my letter writing days, I feel a certain sadness over the ever increasing digitalization of my life.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Some Random Thoughts From This Past Weekend

1. Handwashings is where it's at.
2. Is there a market for t-shirts that simply read "Laid Back Jew"?
3. The marathon results need to be organized into more than just times and names. How about other categories like "Men 5'8" or shorter" or "People who had to take a deuce during the race" or "People who have Asia on their iPods"? I personally would like to see these categories added.
4. Would I really want to consume a malt vinegar popsicle?

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Where is Mitch?

Marathon Day. The day we've all been waiting for. How will Mitch do?

We assembled at 4th Ave. and 22nd St. to see for ourselves. We even had a visitor from Maine (thanks for visiting Weasel) ready to cheer Mitch on.


That's not Mitch!


Mondale and Youthlarge wonder, "Where is Mitch?"

I love the banana folks.

Where is Mitch?

A passing runner handed Dave a banana. Jen knew exactly what to do.

Hey, there's Mitch! He was running so quickly that other than Jim and me, no one in our posse even noticed him. He was running so quickly that this was the best photo I could get. Love the fingerpoint!

There goes Mitch (on the left) as he weaves in and out of the slow moving traffic.

A stunned crowd can't believe that they missed seeing Mitch.

The consoling begins.

Disappointment

There was nothing else to do but go back inside and eat some more.

Check here for the results. In case, you are wondering, Mitch placed 16,250 out of 37,000 or so. Not bad. Not bad at all. I look forward to reading about the race in upcoming Handwashings posts.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Music Update: Not Enough Progress Being Made on Youthlarge's Collection, A Gilmore Reference, and I Hate Devendra

Red Sticker Collection

The Clientele - A Fading Summer Ep, 2000
I always think I’m going to like this band more than I actually do. Apparently, their new record is good though.

Jawbox - For Your Own Special Sweetheart, 1994
If I didn't really like something eleven years ago, the chances of me liking it now for nostalgic purposes aren’t high.

Youthlarge Brought These Home

Gary Higgins - Red Hash, 1973
Guy gets busted for drugs and is sentenced to prison but before he does time he records an album. He fades into obscurity. Hipsters trumpet his long lost record for years before a hipster record label finally puts it out in 2005. And it is a really good record. It doesn’t sound dated at all. In fact, if I had been told this had been recorded in 2005, I would have believed it. Timeless folk music.

The Magic Numbers - The Magic Numbers, 2005
Latest hyped band that doesn’t do that much for me.

Pernice Brothers - Discover a Lovelier You, 2005
While easily my least favorite of the Pernice oeuvre, this CD still has enough fine moments to make it worthwhile. Plus, one of the songs was on an episode of Gilmore Girls.

Death Cab For Cutie - Plans, 2005
Yawn.

Randy Newman - The Randy Newman Songbook. Vol. 1, 2003
How did I get to be 32 years-old before I had any Randy Newman in my collection? This CD is Randy playing some of his greatest hits on the piano. Simple and wonderful. I really am not that familiar with his career but I need to educate myself starting now. This CD was a good place to start. His biting satire is unbelievable. And “Louisiana 1927” was a perfect song to listen to often in September. Anyone have any recommendations of where to go from here? Perhaps his greatest hits?

Calexico/ Iron and Wine - In the Reins, 2005
Two great flavors together at last. I’d love more of this. That last Calexico album is amazing. The last Iron and Wine EP hinted at Sam Beam branching out a bit from the voice/ guitar format. The songs are great and if you are not careful, the first song will blow your mind unless you are ready.

Calexico from this past summer. Sam Beam is hanging out on the left.

Broadcast - Tender Buttons, 2005
Broadcast is one of those bands that I will probably continue to be interested in whatever they do but never be truly taken with any of their stuff. Each one of their records is good enough to keep and have memorable moments. At their best, they sound like a 60’s girl group filtered through Mum.

No Thanks: The 70s Punk Rebellion,2003
This four CD box set is a mixed bag. It has way too many classics that any self respecting fan of this genre would already have. But then there are the more obscure gems interspersed throughout. It is well worth having though even if some of the liner notes read like a punk rock Cliff’s Notes for the novice fan. I’m not sure if this box is worth purchasing but if you could get your hands on a two CD best of, you would be quite pleased. But maybe I’m being too hard on this set by comparing it to the Nuggets box sets. Those sets have very few non obscure songs so maybe the bar has been set too high. Or maybe my expectations aren’t fair.

Kraftwerk- Minimum- Maximum, 2005
Kraftwerk is a band that I’ve never been that familiar with. I also assumed that they were the kind of band that I would like in theory but be bored by in reality. When Youthlarge came home with this two cd live show recorded last year, I gave it a shot. From what I understand, the songs on here are much shorter than the LP versions which is a plus to a novice like me. An eight minute Kraftwerk song is still plenty long. I ended up really enjoying this release. Apparently, even robots have a good sense of melody and fun. Everybody from Devo and Matmos have been inspired by this lunacy. Great stuff. Much like the recent Fall best of, this seems to be more than enough Kraftwerk for my collection. A good summation without going overboard is nice sometimes.

Devendra Banhart - Cripple Crow, 2005
I knew I was right! Despite liking one of his records and getting angry at myself for it, fuckhead Banhart returns to form and sucks up a storm. Wow, could this asshole take himself any more seriously? I think this CD is at least three days long. The songs are crap and he is mealy - mouthed again on this one. I think that song about moving to China and having Chinese children or some shit like that should be enough to draw and quarter this calculating neo-hippie. Go play in some fucking meadow with a cache of photographers behind you, you calculating, phony fuck!

American Analog Set - Set Free, 2005
I still can’t believe how much singer Andrew Kenny can sound like a woman sometimes yet not sound effete. Quite an art. I got into this band late and am only familiar with three of their five records. But I like them all. This one is no exception. This isn’t the kind of band that makes me want to do jumping jacks or anything but you can expect a solid effort everytime.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

An Answer to the Age Old Question

For years, I have been derided by Hater Larry for staying loyal to my cassette Walkman. As I have steadfastly stated for a long time, the minute that iPods have AM capability, I would buy one but not a moment sooner.

Last spring, Youthlarge and I ate dinner with a friend of hers who is part of the decision making process at Sony as they gear up to try to compete with Apple. I asked him if he could put in a word to add AM radio to the new models. I promised him that I would buy one if they had AM in it. He said that there was no way that MP3 players would ever have AM because people just didn't want it. When asked how much it would cost to add, the answer was that it would cost less than two dollars to add AM radio.

So I continued to wait.

In May, I posted that I would eventually acquire an iPod and a child, in no particular order.

Well, finally there is an answer. And no, I didn't have to wait nine months for it.

I finally broke down and bought an iPod.

Why?

1. Every trip I take, I realize how great an iPod would be to have.
2. Baseball season is over so I don't necessarily need AM radio until the spring.
3. Podcasts make it easy for me to download baseball talk if I so desire and listen to it whenever I want.

Youthlarge took care of the ordering from work.

She sent me an e-mail.
Did I want black or white?

I chose black.

Did I want an inscription?

I told her to surprise me.

And then I had to wait way too long for it to arrive. Once I had made the decision that I wanted one, I couldn't wait any longer.

Finally, the fateful day arrived and my new friend arrived in the mail. I couldn't wait to get it fired up. But first, I had to think of a name for it. Youthlarge's is called eggy (Korean for baby). What was I going to name mine? The answer was clear. Right on the back, Youthlarge had included an inscription from Satchel Paige's rules on "How to Keep Young." One of the rules is the current motto on my blog - "If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts." Youthlarge chose "The social ramble ain't restful" for the inscription.

So I introduce to you -- Satchel!





Somewhere Steve Albini is proud of this choice. Although his music has not been uploaded onto Satchel because we all know that Shellac is meant to be listened to on vinyl.

As I type this post, I am also importing CDs into iTunes for my iPod. It is a brave new world for me.

Three days with an iPod and I wonder how I ever got by without one.

The kids in my class who have seen me with it are quite excited by it. It is like I have become cooler in their eyes because I've joined the posh world of iPod owners. Although, they all seem slightly disappointed that it isn't a Nano. No matter, I've got video capabilities! Hell, I might even stop watching Lost on my TV and start watching it in seven minute increments while walking to and from work.

But what will I do when the baseball season rolls around again? Easy - a nine dollar radio will do the trick nicely.


Combined, my new radio and new iPod aren't nearly as big as my Walkman. Whether or not, I actually decide to tie the two together with the radio armstrap is another story.

The Lineup


And for the record, the last cassette I listened to had The Dirtbombs and bands from that punk comp that Rhino put out a couple years ago. The first three things I listened to on the iPod were an Elvis Mitchell podcast, Elizabeth Cotten, and Joe Simon.