File Under Grain

I have a unibrow. Always have.

When I was in the 7th grade, it bothered me. So I did what any self-respecting kid would do. I shaved that shit.

Yes, yes I know. Stupid, right? Why shave it? It will grow right back and thicker than the first time, right? The 12-year-old Listmaker was more concerned about getting a date to the Winter Ball than worrying too much about post 1985 matters.

A few weeks ago, I brought in my grandfather's war scrapbook. Every year, I tell my class his story hoping to inspire them to wish a Happy Veteran's Day to any veteran they might know.

One child, Girl Who Always Is Trying to Get Away With Something, said "Your grandfather was so good looking. Much better looking than you. You've got a unibrow!"

When I relayed this story to SHR, she thought it was hilarious. She's been after me for years to let her pluck my unibrow. Every now and again, I let her pluck a hair here and there but never the whole thing. That shit hurts.

I have a unibrow. Always have. Or at least I did, until yesterday.

Yesterday, she began to pester me again. My face is a broad canvass to her. She always wants to pluck something from it. As I was minding my own business reading the sports page, she appeared out of nowhere ready to pluck. "Come on Listmaker, just a couple."

Sometimes it is better to just let her do it, rather than fight it. But within a few quick moments, a couple hairs had turned into ten. I implored her to leave me alone. But she wouldn't. She was a woman possessed. Possessed by the urge to destroy my unibrow.

The agony went on and on. Snip, snip, just a couple more, snip.

Why can't a man have a unibrow if he chooses to have one?

Finally, SHR told me she would quit if I wanted her to. I did want her to. But when I inspected her handiwork in the mirror, I realized how an incomplete job made it even worse. She had won! I headed back and told her to finish the job. What must have been 30 painful plucks later, my unibrow was finally gone.

Granted, it isn't perfect. I'd need a lot more time under the surgeon's tools for it to be truly sculpted. But for the first time, possibly ever, I have two eyebrows.

And I feel naked.