Meet the Mets

I love spring training stories in the newspaper. All the players are going to be good this year because they are either healthy for the first time in a long time or they have figured something out in the offseason that led them to suck so hard last year.

Plus, it is the best time all season to find out interesting quirks about the players on the team. Who cares about hearing more about the stars and the stalwarts? Spring training is a time for the newbies, the has-beens, and the never-wases.

Here are some of my favorite stories from this spring training.

David Newhan: Utiltyman

Then, Newhan said, it all started going wrong. He batted .140 in 32 games. The next year he hit .150. He was traded to Philadelphia and made the team out of spring training in 2001, but he injured his shoulder crashing into a left-field wall and missed most of that season and all of 2002 after having his second shoulder operation.

It was about this time that Newhan started reading the Bible for guidance, and soon, he said, ''a different train pulled into the station.'' He still held fast to his Jewish beliefs -- he had his bar mitzvah at a Conservative synagogue -- but he said that accepting Jesus Christ helped guide him through this rocky period. He observes Passover and Hanukkah and considers himself a Messianic Jew.

''I was a Jewish kid at Pepperdine -- God must have been working on me then,'' Newhan said of his alma mater, which is affiliated with the Churches of Christ.

Even his faith could not provide answers about what happened next. For the Rockies' Class AAA team in 2003, Newhan batted .348 but was never called up. For the Rangers' Class AAA team in 2004, he batted .328 and was never recalled.

Jorge Sosa: Now healthy but recently sent to the minors.

He said he felt strong and healthy, not like his condition last season, when pitching in winter ball, the Caribbean Series and the World Baseball Classic tired his arm.

Lino Urdaneta: No longer has the flu but didn't make the team.

Urdaneta, a 27-year-old right-hander who has a 98-mile-an-hour fastball, spent eight seasons in the minor leagues before he was called up to the Tigers in September 2004. He lasted 12 days in the majors. Since then, he has had visa problems, spent time in the Mexican League, where he was spotted by a Mets scout, and had reconstructive elbow surgery. He said his arm felt strong and that his velocity had returned. But he is not in the Mets’ immediate plans and may never get the chance to transform the way history views him.

“I’m pretty sure he’s hoping to get an out,” General Manager Omar Minaya said.

Urdaneta says he never thinks about that day. It is in the past, behind him, never to be thought about again — not even, he said, if he never gets that second chance.

But he did say that he was battling the flu then and had not pitched in about 12 days. He did not feel strong and, as a rookie, he said he did not feel comfortable telling anyone that he was not well enough to pitch.

Chan Ho Park: Got his visa but was sent to the minors.

The only thing right about the scene was the uniform he wore. Chan Ho Park took the mound for the Mets on Friday morning 33 miles from where he expected to be, throwing to a catcher who doubled as the umpire, facing hitters he would not recognize even if he had a roster in his hand.

Because his work visa has not arrived, Park, who is South Korean, cannot pitch anyplace in the United States where an admission is charged. The Mets applied for the visa on Park's behalf after they signed him Feb. 9 and expected to have it by now.

When it failed to arrive in Thursday's mail, the Mets scratched Park from Friday's start in Jupiter against the St. Louis Cardinals and arranged a simulated game for him against a lineup of Mets minor leaguers.

But the 33-year-old Park cannot show much if he cannot pitch against major leaguers. The Minnesota Twins face a similar problem with Sidney Ponson, an Aruban who has been held out of exhibition games because he arrived in camp with the wrong work visa. Normally, Park said, he would fly to South Korea and obtain the visa. But because he signed only six days before the reporting date for pitchers and catchers, Park said he did not have enough time to do that. So the Mets took up that task, and General Manager Omar Minaya said the Mets paid a fee to expedite the paperwork.

Minaya said he was not sure when the visa would arrive, but he expressed hope that Park could pitch Wednesday against the Boston Red Sox.

''That's in the hands of the immigration department,'' Minaya said.

Internal bleeding and an intestinal disorder that required surgery limited Park to 136 2/3 innings last year. He finished 7-7, but his 4.81 earned run average was the lowest since his final season with the Dodgers. Park switched agents, to Jeff Borris, before agreeing to a one-year, $600,000 deal with the Mets that includes incentives that could push the value to $3 million.

"I wasn't sure, two or three years ago, if I was going to pitch another four or five years,'' Park said. ''Now I feel very confident I can do it.

“The surgery helped. I feel a lot better. I’m not saying I’m going to win a Cy Young award, but I can be a better pitcher than I was the last four or five years.”

That is what the Mets are hoping for.

Ambiorix Burgos: Crazy name! Last pitcher to make the team.

Ambiorix Burgos's transition to the Mets began with a change in hairstyle. Gone is the clean-cut look he fashioned last season in Kansas City, ditched in favor of straggly curls that resemble fireworks exploding from his head.

Burgos is capable of blowing the ball past batters with staggering frequency, and at 6 feet 3 inches and 235 pounds, he possesses the husky build and overwhelming array of pitches reminiscent of another wildly talented but unpredictable Dominican closer, Armando Benítez. The trick now is to harness that ability.

Juan Padilla: Good but injured magician.

As Juan Padilla closed his eyes and turned away, Jorge Sosa showed a crowd of onlookers his card -- the two of diamonds -- before he shoved it into the bottom of the deck. Padilla shuffled the cards with a little too much force, and most of them crashed to the ground. No problem. He picked them up, reshuffled them to his satisfaction and put them back into their box. Then he grabbed a manila envelope from a nearby locker and placed it on the floor.

''One, two, three,'' Padilla said, bouncing the box off the envelope.

One card remained in his hand: the two of diamonds.

Sosa shook his head, shrugged and said, in Spanish, ''That was incredible.''

For his next trick, the 30-year-old Padilla will attempt to perform something even more impressive: win back his spot in the Mets' bullpen. Nearly a year after having reconstructive elbow surgery, Padilla, a valuable member of the Mets' bullpen in 2005, said he was in top shape, and he reported no pain after throwing his first bullpen session of the spring Tuesday morning.

''I'm right where I want to be,'' Padilla said. ''You have your ups and downs, but I feel healthy, and on April 1, I feel like I'll be ready to help the team.''

Even before the injury, Padilla shied away from entertaining during the season. Spring training is a time, he says, to forge new relationships and loosen up the clubhouse, so he stuffs 162 games' worth of illusion into his down time.

An admirer of the magicians David Blaine and Criss Angel, Padilla became interested in card tricks on a whim. As a student at Jacksonville University about 10 years ago, he saw someone performing a trick on television. Padilla tried doing it, too, and he was hooked.

He began showing off at parties and was soon scouring the Internet and magic magazines for tricks. Most, he said, are variations on a few basic themes, but he trades ideas with other would-be magicians. He said that he could perform about 17 tricks.

The brand of card does not matter, as long as it does not belong to him. He got the deck in his locker from the office of the Mets' equipment manager, Charlie Samuels.

''If I had my own deck, people would say that I tricked it up,'' Padilla said. ''And I would never do that.''

Instead, he relies on deception. After fooling Sosa with the trick that he said was so easy that ''my 2-year-old daughter could do it,'' Padilla moved on to his final victim of the morning. Oliver Pérez plucked a card from the stack, put it back, and then watched as Padilla threw all the cards in the air. Well, 51 of them, at least. Padilla was holding the ace of clubs, Pérez's card.

Asked how he did it, Padilla winked.

''A magician never reveals his tricks,'' he said. ''Never.''

Joe Smith: Made the team.

The Mets, on the lookout for a college reliever, selected him in the third round of the draft in 2006. He said he was unaware of the Mets’ hallowed tradition of sidearm pitchers — Jeff Innis, Terry Leach — but was excited to meet Bradford one afternoon at Shea Stadium last summer. They talked about the challenges of facing left-handed batters, who are able to see the ball much better than right-handed batters. He also met Paul Lo Duca, who told him, “You’re like Bradford, but totally opposite.”

“I thought that was good,” Smith said.

Shawn Green: One of the two "real" Jews on the Mets, one of the worst hitters on the Mets.

Shawn Green compared videotape of his swing during his prime with the Los Angeles Dodgers, when he hit 91 homers from 2001-2, to that from the past few seasons, and said he had noticed a mechanical flaw that hindered his power. ''I'm anxious to show everyone that I could play the way I did in Los Angeles,'' said Green, who hit 15 home runs for Arizona and the Mets last season. ''When my approach is right, my swing is right, and the power will come.''

Duaner Sanchez - in trouble for showing up late and now out until the summer.

Sánchez said he overslept, nothing else. The deeper issue is his commitment to rehabilitating his surgically repaired right shoulder, which he acknowledged was not as strong as it should be. He reported to camp heavier than his listed weight of 210 pounds. “I came in a little bit out of shape,” Sánchez said. “I was supposed to come in more ready than I was. But now I’m feeling great and should be 100 percent in a couple weeks.”

Ben Johnson - Sent to the minors because Delgado's wife gave birth too early.

But Johnson could still make the opening day roster. If Carlos Delgado’s wife gives birth on or near her due date, April 1, which coincides with the Mets’ opener in St. Louis, Manager Willie Randolph may shift Shawn Green to first base and, for a day or two, fill the open roster spot with someone like Johnson.

Scott Schoeneweis: A Real Jew

After signing with the Mets, Scott Schoeneweis figured he had his big chance. Finally, after all these years, he could stop being No. 60. But when he walked into the clubhouse Wednesday evening and saw his new jersey, he recoiled. His last name was spelled correctly. But the new number, a very mainstream 36, suddenly seemed strange.

To his surprise, Schoeneweis found himself asking the equipment manager, Charlie Samuels, if he could switch back to No. 60, a number he had often tried to shed in each of his eight major league seasons.

''My first five minutes, and I'm already high maintenance,'' Schoeneweis said. ''I told them that they won't hear from me again.''

Schoeneweis is not superstitious. He does not believe that No. 60 has any magical powers. It is not cool, like No. 99, which Turk Wendell and Mitch Williams wore. And, as he said, ''It's not like I'm going to have to give a guy a Rolex'' to get the number back.

But No. 60 reminds him of his past, and the 33-year-old Schoeneweis (pronounced SHOWN-wice) has decided that he cannot toss it away, that the quirky number helps him remember who he is and what he has overcome: the testicular cancer that he defeated as a sophomore at Duke University; reconstructive elbow surgery that came within the same year; and a somewhat transient career that has led him to the Mets, after he signed a three-year, $10.7 million contract.

''It's part of my life,'' Schoeneweis said of the number he will probably keep for the rest of his career. ''It gives me motivation. It's almost like a chip. Like I'm not good enough to be given a real number.''

Lastings Milledge: Made the team

Willie Randolph eyed the 20 or so reporters encircling him in the dugout and, with a sigh, prepared for what he considered inevitable.

''Come on, give me the first Milledge negative question,'' Randolph said. ''Come on, throw it at me. I know you can't wait.''

On everyone's mind was the sour end to his first season in the major leagues: A note that read ''Know Your Place, Rook!'' hung from his locker in Washington; his swagger alienated some teammates; and there was a lingering notion that he was too arrogant for someone who still had much to learn about being a pro.

Milledge showed up Monday looking great. He had packed on 13 pounds of muscle after lifting weights and giving up red meat, and he said all the right things. The Mets had asked Milledge to play winter ball, but they eventually reached an understanding that it might be better if he rested. He seems committed to work hard and challenge Shawn Green for the right fielder's job. He resolved to take more responsibility for his actions.

''When you're young, you don't know what's out there,'' Milledge said. ''You don't know how to handle certain things. I learned about being a man.''

For better or worse, that image became as much a part of his persona as his braided hair or bat twirling before every at-bat. For the rest of his first month in the majors, Milledge was in the thick of things in nearly every city. In Philadelphia, his coaches and teammates scolded him for showing up only 70 minutes before an afternoon game. In Boston, the Green Monster got the better of him. In Toronto, he was ordered to dress in women's clothing as part of rookie hazing. After he was sent down for a month, Milledge returned Aug. 1 and was briefly considered for the postseason roster.

With an impressive spring, Milledge could make the Mets consider keeping him on the roster, although he appears destined to start every day for Class AAA New Orleans. The Mets are not inclined to bring him north as a fifth outfielder. ''People who have paid attention to my career, they know what I can do,'' said Milledge, who will turn 22 on April 5. ''I'm not trying to impress anybody. Everybody knows me. I don't have to put on a front for anybody.''

The Lastings Milledge who dashed around Tradition Field on Monday seemed to be a good start. Before batting practice, he went out of his way to hug the new first-base coach, Howard Johnson.

''HoJo!'' Milledge yelled.

Johnson shouted back, ''Lasto!''

The first pitch of the 2007 season is less than 24 hours away!

My Two Week Spring Break Begins Friday at 3:15 pm!

If all goes well, tomorrow will be my last day with a seven minute commute to work. I will miss that aspect of living in this apartment.

Closing Date - 4/3

"The Enduring Bond Between Huey Lewis and the Developmentally Disabled"

Balgavy sent me the link to this article two weeks ago. I can't believe I'm just getting around to posting this now. But the larger issue here is that I can't believe that this article was floating out there for two years before I saw it. Take a moment to read A Very Special Concert.

Whatever the reason -- the catchy tunes, the goofball charisma, or maybe those slapstick videos -- developmentally disabled people see something significant and tender in Huey Lewis. He makes them happy.

All I know is that 25 years after first hearing "Do You Believe in Love?" the man still makes me happy.

A Few Books I've Read

James Ellroy - The Cold Six Thousand, 2001
After finishing the amzazing American Tabloid, I couldn't wait to read the next installment. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't get into this one as much. It felt a lot less coherent. It felt all over the place and spread out. I'm sure that this was the intent - after all, the book takes place in the 60's and shit sure was farout during that time.

American Tabloid took place in the few years leading up to JFK's assasination. This one starts there and ends at RFK's assasination. At 675 pages, this book was a tough read. But I made it through and will definitely pick up the third part of the trilogy whenever it comes out.

James Ellroy - The Black Dahlia, 1987
I liked the book a lot more than I liked the movie.

Paul Auster - Timbuktu, 1999
I was thinking of reading nothing but books about dogs leading up to Hamachi moving to Brooklyn. This was number one on my list. So far, there hasn't been number two. One of these days I'll get around to reading Travels With Charley. In the meantime, this book will do.

A quick read and highly recommended. Told from the point of view of a dog named Mr. Bones. He lives with a dying homeless eccentric named Willy Christmas. Mr. Bones understands some things going on his life but considering that he's a dog and his owner hasn't done the best job clueing him into reality, Mr. Bones is a little confused. Auster's comments about buying into society from a dog's point of view are highly entertaining - "Once you got used to the mechanics of the system, it no longer seemed so important that you were tethered to a wire all day."

But nothing is as entertaining as Mr. Bones' take on baseball. "Orioles fought with tigers, blue jays battled against angels, bear cubs warred with giants, and none of it made any sense. A baseball player was a man, and yet once he joined a team he was turned into an animal, a mutant being, or a spirit who lived in heaven next to God." Well put.

Frank Rich - The Greatest Story Ever Sold: The Decline and Fall of Truth From 9/11 to Katrina, 2006
Rich lays out his argument pretty damn well. I'm really curious what Bush supporters would say about this book. I suppose they could just blow off the liberal media for their truthiness and reality based reporting. A fascinating and depressing book. Since I've followed all this stuff as it has occurred, none of this was new. But it is pretty damning when put together into one book.

Steven Johnson - Everything Bad is Good For You, 2005
The next time I hear someone lamenting about how all the video games out there are killing today's youth, I'm going to hit them over the head with this book. Johnson makes a pretty good argument about how pop culture is actually making us smarter rather than dumber. I loved his argument about how if video games had been invented before books, people would be freaking out about how passive reading makes us.

Plus, he had me from the very first page as he described playing APBA baseball by himself for hours upon hours as a kid. He's my kind of guy.

If You Want My Listmaker, Vol. 3

For those who don't know - the cover is a tribute to my bocce team, If You Want My Bocce. Also, for the record, I give all the credit for the artwork and assembly thereof to SHR.

The songs --

1. Field Music - A House is Not a Home, 2007
Their last album failed to impress me after a couple of listens. So I banished it to the sell pile. But then Jack W started telling me how much he liked it and I began to doubt myself. Then I kept seeing one of their videos a lot and I really liked the song. I realized that maybe I had made a mistake.

When Tones of Town ended up in the apartment, I was pretty excited to listen to it. It did not disappoint. The whole album is quite a nice listen. I recently rectified my mistake and downloaded their first album from eMusic.

2. Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks, 2007
The LP from which this is taken, Writer's Block, is definitely an early contender for my favorite album of the year. Yes, this is the catchiest song on the record but the whole thing puts a big smile on my face from beginning to end. Get it or burn it from me!

3. Jo-Jo and the Fugitives - Chips - Chicken - Banana Split
From the recent CD Jamaica To Toronto: Soul Funk & Reggae 1967-1974. The title says it all. I love this CD. I read about it somewheres and then downloaded it through eMusic. Every song is a winner but this is the winningest of them all. I especially like it because I feel like it would fit well on some future Hot Tub Eric mix. And that to me is the top honor that any song can possibly achieve.

4. Yo La Tengo - Beanbag Chair, 2006
The first of many singles on this CD. Back in my indie rock heyday, I would never ever ever put a single on a mix tape. Either I've gotten less rigid, I'm under no allusions that everyone listens to the same stuff I do anymore, or I've just gotten soft. Whatever the reason, what's not to like about this song? Yo La Tengo at their most charming, don't you think?

5. Los Yaki - Baila el Fredy, mid 60's
When I was getting my class all excited about Do the Freddie back in the day, I never would have thought that there was a Mexican cover of it. Alex J. burned the comp that this is on for me and I'm eternally grateful. Stone Groove, of course, is a big fan of this song. I debuted it for him at the beginning of our baseball trip last year and I'm convinced that it was the main reason he decided he had to have an iPod. Any device that could hold so many songs and always have a brilliant one like this at the ready had to be owned by Stone Groove.

6. The Tammys - Egyptian Shumba, mid 60's
Part of perhaps the best box set ever assembled - the Rhino girl group box set from 2005. I love the screaming.

7. Voxtrot - Raised by Wolves, 2005
For some reason, I didn't put this on Listmaker II. What a jackass I am, huh? Better late than never. This is what I wrote back in August, 2005.

Youthlarge randomly saw them play at a hair salon/ art gallery at South by Southwest and came home raving about them. They have one five song EP out and it is pretty good if not occasionally a wee bit twee. However, seeing them live takes the cake. Youthlarge and I saw them at Magnetic Field the other night and they blew my mind. I felt like I was 19 again watching this merry band of indiepop marauders. Imagine Holiday with more balls or the Housemartins updated for the My Space generation and you can begin to imagine the fun.

Apparently, the band saw this as well because they link to me from their My Space page. Thanks guys.

8. Destroyer - Your Blood, 2006
I couldn't stop listening to this album when it came out last year. It is so damn good. I almost put on the ten minute opening song on the mix but I didn't have the nerve. Dan Bejar has completely won me over.

9. Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins - The Charging Sky, 2006
This album will always remind me of the road trip to Maine last Memorial Day. I was so grateful that Mondale liked this album so much because when he decided he wanted to hear it over and over, it meant more time not having to listen to his Catatonia CD's.

10. Jamie Lidell - Multiply, 2005
This is another song that should have been on the last Listmaker. This is another single. I think the reason I didn't put this on the last Listmaker was because I was afraid that Chris Larry would hate it.

Speaking of Chris Larry, he should play this for his students during the next installment of his "Guess the Race" game.
Dig the video.

11. Bill Moss - Sock It to 'Em Soul Brother, late 60's
From a great Eddie Murray inspired mix that Hot Tub Eric put together for me after being so disappointed in the last Listmaker CD. Since Eddie was on the cover, Eric assumed that it would be music that Eddie would like. So he took the matter into his own hands and made me a CD that Eddie could shake his ass to. Check Eddie's review of the CD here.

12. Vichan Maneechot - Dance Dance Dance, 60's
I really can't get enough of this Thai 60's comp.

13. The King Khan and BBQ Show - Love You So, 2005
Yet another song that should have been on Listmaker II. What the hell was I thinking last March when I was putting that CD together?

14. The Speedies - You Need Pop, late 70's
I love the power pop comp Yellow Pills that this is from. Two CDs of amazing goodness. This band was from Brooklyn!

15. Camera Obscura - Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken, 2006
This album reminds me of swanky Tokyo highrise hotels, endless airport stays, crazy bus rides through Cambodia, and being in love with SHR, with traveling, with having summers off to take super fun vacations.

16. El Perro Del Mar - It's All Good, 2006
Everytime I listen to this album, I have a different favorite song. This was mine as I put this CD together.

17. Margo Guryan - Sun, 1968
Thank you to Noiseboy for inspiring me to actually look at some of the CDs in my apartment.

This is what I wrote a few months ago in my review of the Cd.

I listened to a couple of songs and was hooked. I was thinking of buying it and wanted to tell SHR about it. When she came home, I started to describe to her the song I had found on the Internet. Before I could finish my sentence, she cut me off and said, "Is it Margo Guryan?" I still don't know how she knew who I was talking about. She said, "I have that Cd." She promptly went to our collection and pulled it out. I was in shock. Not only did she immediately know who the obscure singer that I was talking about was but she had it in her collection! What? Who is this magical woman I'm married to?

Enjoy this before the next Devendra Banhart discovers it and ruins it for everybody.

18. The Pernice Brothers - Somerville, 2006
I like this because it's catchy. I like this because of the way he says Suck City. I just plain like this.

19. The Thermals - A Pillar of Salt, 2006
Another single. Another stupendous video. However, I surprised myself for putting this particular song on here. I wrote this a few months ago.

The new Bad Religion? I don't say this in a bad way necessarily. They are in your face earnest and political. But they aren't as in love with showing off their 50 cent words as Bad Religion is.

The hooks are gorgeous but some of the lyrics drive me crazy. Lyrics like "We don't think we're special sir/ We know everybody is." are cringeworthy. But gosh darnit, Hutch Harris means it so much. I think I'm being too harsh on this record, I like it, honest I do. However, the first album was so frenetic and the lyrics were so buried that maybe I didn't notice how silly some of the lyrics were. This one, there's no mistaking that there is a message that our leaders have no shame - "power doesn't run on nothing" brotha. Not that I'm against political songs but some of the lyrics just don't work. Then again, his heart is in the right place so I'm just going to shut up.

I wrote that before the video convinced me to shut up for good about my dumb ideas about this song.

20. Sin Sisamouth - Nothing to Worry, 60's
A star in Cambodia during the 60's, he was killed during the Pol Pot regime. His music sounds like nothing else I've ever heard. This is part of the comp Cambodian Rocks. Everytime I hear this, I think about seeing kickboxing in Cambodia last summer. In between each round, they played Sin Sisamouth songs.

21. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me, 2006
The first single (another single!) from their most recent record Return to Cookie Mountain. This band has gotten a lot of hype over the past couple of years. I've liked their records and all but I didn't think they quite lived up to the hype. I think that this most recent LP does. I spent a good portion of the past few months grooving to this LP.

22. Built to Spill - Goin' Against Your Mind, 2006
I love this song and I love it as the ending to a mix CD. An epic is what this is. SHR has this as a ring tone on her phone these days. It is kind of driving me crazy at this point despite how much I love the song. Honey, it might be time to change your ring tone? Pretty pretty please.

A couple of days after giving this to Chris Larry, he texted me this message.
Wow, if I can impress Chris, I've really done something. I live in fear of that guy.

If you haven't received one from me and would like one, let me know. I might just say yes.
And whoever added the mix to the iTunes playlist, I salute you. I should have thought of that.

Stone Groove the Rat

The past few years, I've read my class a book, Strudel Stories. It is about a Jewish family in Russia who emigrates to the U.S. because of the pogroms. It traces this fictional family's story up to the present as each successive generation tells stories to the younger generation as they make strudel together.

A couple of years ago, Mondale came up with the idea to have his students write their own "strudel stories" and then made strudel with the kids as they told their family stories. Since the thought of making food scares me in general, let alone with a bunch of kids, I've shied away from doing this the past couple of years.

However, this year I asked Mondale if he would help me make the strudel with my class. He readily agreed and we were off. I had each student go home and ask their parents or grandparents about a family anecdote that they could write about and share.

The kids insisted that I write one as well. So I did. I present to you the story of Stone Groove, the Wheelchair, and the Suction Cup Mishap

When my dad was nine-years-old, he got a really scary disease called polio. The year was 1953 and everyone was very scared of polio. It could paralyze you, meaning you couldn’t walk, or it could even kill you. We are lucky that in 1954, the cure for polio was invented and now, no one in the U.S. gets polio anymore.

But back to my dad. When he got polio, he got it in his legs. This meant that he couldn’t walk. He was in third grade and all of a sudden, a healthy boy was confined to a wheelchair. He was sad but it wasn’t all bad. His friends still liked to play games with him and they took turns wheeling him around.

One day, one of his friends brought a new toy to show off. It was a suction cup gun. It wasn’t dangerous or anything but if you shot it at something, the suction part might get stuck to a surface.

One of the kids had an idea, “Let’s shoot suction darts at passing cars! They won’t even know what hit them. It will be funny.” So that is what they set out to do. And my dad’s friend was right. The first few cars had no idea that anyone was shooting anything at them as they drove past. Granted, most of the shots completely missed but still …

Anyway, the boys’ luck was about to run out because they finally hit a car. But they didn’t actually hit a car. It was much worse and much funnier than that. You see, the shot had been a perfect one. In fact, it was so perfect that the boys couldn’t have done it again if they had tried. The dart had flown in through the car’s open window and hit the driver flush in the forehead!!

SCREEEEEEECH went the brakes. Out came the angry driver. Psssstttt went all of the boys. They scattered in every which direction. Anywhere was a better place than there. No one wanted to get in trouble. And they all got away because third graders can run faster than middle-aged drivers.

There was only one problem. My dad’s friends forgot to take my dad. They left him in his wheelchair to face the wrath of the angry citizen. But my dad was smart. He knew that since he was in a wheelchair, the man wouldn’t be too bad at him. And he wasn’t. My dad was also quite mad that his friends had ditched him. The man said, “Hi there, young man. What happened to all of your friends? They left you here to face the punishment, huh? Well, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. If you give me all of your friend’s names and telephone numbers, I won’t call your parents. What do you say?”

My dad knew a good deal when he heard one. He gave up his friends. And that night, each and every one of them got a phone call from the driver. And each and every one of them got in trouble that night. All except my dad.

Normally, a kid who tells on all of his friends ends up with few friends. Except all of my dad’s friends felt guilty that they had left him. So after they all served their punishments, my dad was forgiven.

A year later, the polio went away and my dad’s legs were okay again. Of course, he had a lot of work to do to get back to normal. But he worked hard and was eventually able to run and walk and do everything a healthy kid can do once again.

I think I got the details right but I'm sure Stone Groove will correct me if I'm wrong.

Is It Just Me?

Or did the timing of this announcement
Have everything to do with these ongoing events?
For a number of years, whenever Bush bashing came up in class discussions, I've tried to get my students to listen and think about the other side. I always say, "Well, your opinion is that this war is about oil. But if George Bush were here, he'd say ..." And then I'd spout the party line before giving a clear sense of what his critics have to say.

But I've got to say, as this horrid administration just keeps on rolling, I'm having more and more of a difficult time stating the party line. Because I have no fucking idea what the administration is trying to say anymore. They aren't saying anything. At least, their lies and deceptions over the past few years have had a storyline. Now, it seems, they aren't saying anything anymore. There are no goals. There is no nothing.

On another note, we spent morning work time shunning our spelling books and watching this instead.

All Chris Larry, All the Time

Not only does Chris like the rock and roll, he also likes the D & D. There is a kid in my class who has recently been playing the game with some friends with one of the friend's father acting as the dungeonmaster.

Chris had been asking me about this kid, Tanner Boyle, but I didn't have any answers for him related to D & D. So I e-mailed Chris and asked him what questions he had for Tanner. What follows is the e-mail exchange between Chris and me over the next few days. I was merely the conduit between Tanner and Chris.

Chris sent his list of what he was interested in about Tanner's D & D habits.
Character Race
Character Class
Character Level
Character Name
favorite weapon
favorite magical item

Listmaker: Tanner is interested in the same questions for you.

By the way, Tanner is wearing an Indiana Jones hat right now and standing next to me so make it clean.

Character Race
Halfling

Character Class
Monk

Character Level
1 - still on his first mission because it is evil - he has to find a will and there are these evil orcs.

Character Name
Gigan

favorite weapon
Since he's a monk, he can't carry weapons. If he did carry a weapon, his intelligence would go down.

favorite magical item
Monks can't use magic.

Chris: My last character:
Character Race:
Half-Elf...raised by halflings as an orphan

Character Class:
Bard so I had the powers of a thief, fighter and magic user

Character level:
6

Character name:
Half-Moon

Favorite weapon:
Long bow

Favorite magical item:
My lute that allowed me to sing-spell cast.

Favorite moment:
Hitting a vampire in the eye with a silver arrow on a called shot to save party mate

Favorite technique:
spell singing to full tavern and charming them for money, free meals and information

And evil orcs? Are their good orcs? Good look with those nasties...and no weapons...I hope you have a sturdy fighter in your campaign!

Listmaker: Tanner says, "Since you told me about your character a little, I thought you might want to hear about some of our things. Three of my friends, A, V, and Am were sent to my hometown where we got the mission to find the will. From there we went into a forest and since we didn't know we should have had a nightguarder, orcs and a giant troll came. Then the troll was attached to a tree and he could only go a certain ways from the tree but our stuff was stuck in the tree so I had to sneak past the troll and go into the tree. Then my friend N came and he had no clue what was going on and he went over to the tree. By that time, I was already out of the tree and I was safe. Then N tried to get to the tree for some reason but when he climbed the tree the monster realized he was three and started pulling the tree. Then I had to go over to save N on her horse. Me and A rode away and Am had already rode away so we set up camp but it was only me, A, and Am. In the morning, a horse came by with N and Von it. They were both knocked out. So once they came back to full health, we found another forest. We went into a path but it was too small to bring our horses. Then we came to a giant pit. The pit had acid in it. V and Al tried jumping across but it didn't work. So since we had a rope, I jumped into the acid with the rope around me. So then I tied it around V. Then A and Am pulled us up. Then we went back out but our horse weren't there so then we had to go back into the forest. So we used a clinghanger to get across. After that we came to a house. Downstairs there were three doors. We went to the right one first. In there there were bones and weapons. N tried to grab a weapon. When one of the bones started moving, it grabbed onto his leg. Then N dropped the weapon and we all ran out of the room and closed the door. Inside the room, we heard voices. Then we went to the left room. Inside there was a man. He was kind of like a ghost. We couldn't touch him but he was there. We ask him "Do you have any weapons or any important things?" He says, "It's all behind that wall." So we broke down the wall and in the room there was weapons and a lot of glasses. That is all that has happened so far. What happened in some of your stories?"

Chris didn't reply for a day or two so I e-mailed him and asked him what was up. Chris responded: You can tell him its been almost 11 years since I last played so I don't remember as much as he does.

Tell him this: The most fun campaigns I ever did were when we did lots of role playing and acting out of what our characters were going to do. One DM even used music and lighting to help us get into it.

Also I never played a monk character, I like weapons and magic to much, so I am curious why he chose to play a monk?

Listmaker: Tanner says, "I chose a monk because I like to fight with my hands and I like swords and I chose a monk because maybe I can't use a weapon but sometimes if there's a weapon on the floor I might be able to throw it into somebody's heart. Why were you a half-elf? One other thing that happened to me: N was on the floor almost unconscious, and V went over to try to get him on her horse. Then I rolled a 20 sided die to try to get on A's horse, and I rolled a 20! Then I made an amazing jump onto A's horse. And N and V were looking my way with their jaws dropped. Ok, I think that's it."

Chris: I found 2 D and D adventure modules today on the street, do you think Tanner would want them?

Listmaker: yes, he would love them. by the way, tanner was wearing a redskins hat to keep warm today. this kid continues to impress chris larry!

Chris: wow did you tell him I love the redskins?

Listmaker: yeah, i told him. he's not really into football but his father grew up in bethesda so his dad bought him the hat. i told him that you would be pretty excited about it and that got him pumped. he talks about you all the time now and always wants me to email you. he had another thing he wanted me to tell you. can't remember now. i think he finished his first mission or something recently.

Chris recommended that I send him Tanner's e-mail address and they could converse more without me having to type in everything. I responded, "i might just do that. let me run that by his parents. but they are pretty mellow so i can't imagine they'd be too upset."

Chris: tell them Bank Street, NYHS educator and 15 nieces and nephews
u should show him this pic

Listmaker: that was my proudest moment as a photographer

Chris: its my proudest moment as a person....

Tanner was quite impressed with the picture and the footage from the last post. Tanner hasn't checked his e-mail in the past couple of days so I'm not sure if the two of them are conversing or not. Did you e-mail him yet, Chris?

Introducing the Newest Heckler

Three short movies from last Thursday's show.
Rock and Roll Glory
Channeling Tom Petty
Introducing Heckler Anne

Huzzah!

Wednesday night, SHR and I went in front of the co-op board to see if we were in or not. There were three people asking us questions.

One wanted to be at home watching American Idol so he didn't have many questions for us. One we liked a lot and he had a great name.

We were told to call the next morning to get the word. I was in the middle of parent conferences when I got a text from SHR. I knew that she was going to text me with the word but I had to wait until the completion of the conference to check it.

And this is what I read:
Now all we have to do is find out when our closing date is going to be. And write even more checks!

R.E.M. Used to Be Good?

Bob Dylan - Modern Times, 2006
As much as I liked the last record, I think that this is my favorite of his three recent "comeback" albums that started with Time Out of Mind. Maybe it's because I loved his book, loved the Scorsese documentary, and am obsessed with his XM show even though I've only had a chance to listen to it once. This album is so good. The guitar is clean. His voice is pristine. He sings songs about Alicia Keys. The shortest song is over five minutes long but it doesn't matter. Even the 8 minute jams don't get boring. I really think that this guy has something to offer, he might be the next Bright Eyes.

00100 - Taiga, 2006
Oh my god, the drumming, the craziness, the Japanese chanting. I can't get enough of this band. I really can't. And it is a good album to put on, put the speakers on the floor, play at top volume, and leave the apartment to screw with the salsa neighbors during their parties.
Listen to UMA.

Waylon Jennings - Honky Tonk Heroes, 1973
I can't believe that Waylon put this and Lonesome, On'ry and Mean out in the same year. They still remain the only two Waylon records I have. Must - get - more. Dave and Jen gave this to me for my 33rd birthday. Sometimes it takes me awhile to actually get to writing about stuff. Lame, I know.

Clinic - Visitations, 2006
The luster is off this band. I used to really really dig them. Now there are a couple exciting tracks per album and the rest sounds like trying to regain lost glory.

King Khan and BBQ Show - What's For Dinner, 2006
Decent and all but quite a letdown from their last record. Too many slowburners. Don't they know that the kids wanna rock?

R.E.M. - Best of the IRS Years, 2006
Disc 2 of last year's best of mixes songs that didn't make Disc 1, some live stuff from the era, and assorted demos. Some good stuff on here. And how sad is it that two of their better songs of the past few years ("Bad Day" "All the Right Friends") are remakes of songs they originally recorded during this era. If nothing else, this CD is worth having for a clear sounding version of "Theme From Two Steps Onward." I still can't believe that they were so good at one point that they rejected putting that song on a record.
Listen to Theme From Two Steps Onward.

M. Ward - Post - War, 2006
The Chris Larrys of the world don't need to comment about this but for the people who like M. Ward, is this album a little bit of a letdown after the last two or it just me? As SHR said while listening to this with me, "I like M. Ward and all but don't all of his songs sound the same?" I mean, I like it all, just not as much as the previous two.

Camera Obscura - Underachievers Please Try Harder, 2003
The sound of a band coming into its own. A really good record. The only bad thing I can say is that it isn't even close to being as brilliant as their next record Let's Get Out of This Country which is probably my favorite record of 2006. A little too much of the dude singing is my big complaint here. Still, I dig this album just fine.

Junior Mance Trio - At the Village Vanguard, 1961
Mooney sent this to me through You Send It. I'd never heard of Junior Mance. I'm glad that I have now. One of the countless jazz artists that I would undoubtedly be familiar with if I had anything more than a cursory knowledge of the subject. Pianist. Good stuff. That's all I can really say other than this shit swings.
Listen to Looptown.

The Best of Loma Records: Rise and Fall of a 1960s Soul Label, 1995
Yes! Hell yes! Burned from Balgavy who had burned it from Alex J. This shit is top notch. 50 songs, 51 hits. So damn fine. This is the soul that I've been craving. A lot of people I hadn't heard of before and then some wonderful Ike and Tina thrown in for good measure.

Dolly Parton - Ultimate, 2003
All the hits. I want more. SHR burned this from a former co-worker. Oh Dolly.

Songs About Girls
File this under "Truth in Advertising." The Noiseboy end of the year three CD monumental undertaking. This is the kind of mix to put on at a party and just let fly. Fuck that iTunes shit when you've got DJ Noiseboy spinning 60 plus songs of gold for you. Some of the classics - Dylan, Beatles, VU, Chuck Berry, etc. mix quite nicely with rarer tunes. My two faves of songs that I didn't already know - the T. Rex song "Debora" and the Tommy Roe song "Sheila" that sounds unbelievably like Buddy Holly.
Or this one by the Beacon Street Union.
Sheila - Tommy Roe

The La's - BBC In Session, 2006
Why only one proper LP? I love this band. This CD is a compilation of 4 BBC sessions the band did from 1987 - 1990. Any self-respecting La's fan should have this CD. If you don't like the La's, you are stupid. Thanks for the Hanukkah gift, little sister.

Red Sticker Collection
Prince - 1999, 1982
This still brings back wonderful memories from the New Year's Eve We Hate Our Downstairs Neighbors Dance Party. After the first three songs, the rest of this album doesn't blow me away. But who needs more than the first three songs? 1999, Little Red Corvette, Delirious. Bam, bam, bam.

Cultural Differences

Yesterday, Mondale and I tagteamed it at on the Upper E. Side. We led a small workshop/ lecture/discussion on how to teach current events to kids. Nevermind that the brochure stated that the age group targeted was 2nd - 6th grade. We got many people who taught three-year-olds. Not sure exactly how to teach current events to that age group but oh well.

Anyway, near the end, we passed out slips of paper, and asked the participants to get into small groups for discussion. Each slip of paper had a comment or question that Mondale and I had overheard in class.

They were:
1. I hate Republicans.
2. China is stupid.
3. Why are all the kids adopted from China girls?
4. How can two men have a baby?
5. Why do people become suicide bombers?

After giving them some time to discuss, we asked the groups to share highlights of their discussion.

The group who discussed the suicide bombing issue had this to say.

One person volunteered something along the lines of, "We would tell the children that there are different cultures than ours. In some cultures, it is considered good to do those kinds of things."

Another woman responded, "Yeah, and we'd draw comparisons between them and the Alabama rednecks who signed up to blow stuff up on September 12."

When I responded, "Yeah, you'd want to talk about how cultures can be different than ours. But I'd say that it also would be good to talk about how suicide bombers aren't necessarily part of the mainstream and to maybe find an article about Muslims who are against suicide bombing. I think it is dangerous to tell children that other religions or cultures believe in general that it is okay to do these things."

The redneck comment woman who I think was Brazilian said, "Yeah, that is true. We need to let kids know that they shouldn't generalize. I mean, not all people from Brazil like to samba or that all African women wear those hats on their head."

I Think I've Been Wrong My Entire Life

For some reason when I brush my teeth, I put the toothpaste on my toothbrush then put water on the toothbrush and then I brush.

SHR thinks this is silly. She simply puts toothpaste on the brush and goes to town.

I asked a few people over the weekend. They said that they do it SHR's way or they put water on the toothbrush first and then put the toothpaste on the brush and then they brush.

It seems that autustic kids are taught to do it in this manner as well.

So what do you do? Am I the only one who doesn't know how to brush his teeth or there is a silent majority out there waiting to be heard that will be back me up? I need to know.

A Day in the Life of a Classroom

Recently during morning work, I sat back and typed what I heard and saw around me.

Kid Who Loves Internet Games and Almost Nothing Else was writing on his forehead with a marker.

Tanner Boyle: I made triplet pencils.

Kid Who Loves Internet Games and Almost Nothing Else: I don't want to do this anymore. I hate spelling. I want to go home.

Boy Who Likes Making Up Stuff : I like Jon Stewart more than Stephen Colbert.

Kid Who Loves Internet Games and Almost Nothing Else: Blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH, BLAH!

Super Sweet Girl: Hee hee, fluffy.

Always With the Negative Comment Girl dropped her homework. She saw it and didn't pick it up. Girl Who Never Stops Moving or Talking picked it up and triumphantly brought it to me. Negative Comment Girl also kept complaining over and over how cold she was but refused to put on her sweatshirt. It was fairly chilly in the room but she didn't want to fix the problem, she just wanted to complain.

Kid Who Loves Internet Games and Almost Nothing Else: Be quiet. Everyone be quiet! Be quiet!

Tanner Boyle: Why?

Kid Who Loves Internet Games and Almost Nothing Else: Because I told you too.

Tanner Boyle: No

Kid Who Loves Internet Games and Almost Nothing Else: Be quiet. Everybody be QUIET! Be quiet or shut up.

I stepped in and told him not to say that. He started looking through his desk and taking things out while looking for a pencil.

Kid Who Loves Internet Games and Almost Nothing Else: I need a pencil. Nope, nope, nope.

Kid Who Loves Internet Games and Almost Nothing Else: What does it mean to prick your finger?

Boy Who Likes Making Up Stuff: Assasination, assasinated, assasinate, ass, ass, ass.
(He looked at a picture of Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi sitting behind George Bush during the State of the Union address.) The guy who sits behind George Bush has a bad word in his name.

Always with the Negative Comment Girl came up to me and asked if she could use my computer to check her e-mail. I said no. She pouted and batted her eyelashes at me like that was going to convince me to say yes.

Boy Who Likes to Tell People That He is Madonna or Britney Spears or Maria Sharapova: Do you know why people adore me? Because I'm Madonna! (Later in the day he told me that his table of all boys was now a table with one girl because he was now a girl.)

Later in the Day:
At recess, Negative Comment Girl who complained all morning how cold she was but refused to put on a sweatshirt kept complaining that she didn't want to wear her jacket even though it was about 30 degrees. "I'm so so so hot," she complained.

Bumblebee Girl started crying during a multiplication quiz - a regular occurrence. She thinks she isn't doing well but she is. She was doing well at not crying too much and almost had it under control. From across the room Always Talking Girl called out, "Don't cry Bumblebee Girl!" This, of course, led to an incredible amount of sobbing.

Always With the Negative Comment Girl was enlisted to help console Bumblebee Girl. They both left the room to clean Bumblebee Girl up. 12 minutes later, they still were nowhere to be found and it was time for Swim. I had Take No Shit Old School Brooklyn Secretary make an announcement to the entire school, "Always With the Negative Comment Girl and Bumblebee Girl, please go back to your classroom NOW!"

They did not hear the message or so she they said. I ran into Jamaican Queen in the hallway and asked her if she had seen the two girls. She hadn't. But the girls heard the conversation and came out of the bathroom. I asked them what took them so long and Always With the Negative Comment Girl said, "It took a long time to calm Bumblebee Girl down."

Always With the Negative Comment Girl lied to me and said that she didn't have her swimsuit before swim class. I simply walked to her locker, opened her bag, took out her swimsuit, and handed it to her without a word. This was not the first time I've busted her trying the same thing.

Dismissal Time
Kid Who Loves Internet Games and Almost Nothing Else said to Bumblebee Girl in the hallway, "You cry a lot." This set her off into more sobbing. I didn't know about that tidbit until a few minutes later but I did see him sitting on the floor by the lockers while the kids packed up around him. He kept sitting up, punching himself in the head, saying "kapow" before falling back to the ground.

This was all in a day's work.

What a class.

Too Many Tears

Yesterday, Girl Who Once Dressed as a Bumblebee As Part of A Dance Performance and Girl Who Never Stops Talking got into a heated argument at lunch that led to tears. Later in the day, Bumblebee Girl broke down in tears during a lesson and then needed a lot of discussion and consoling with me and Girl Who Never Stops Talking to calm down.

What was the argument about?

The existence or non-existence of the Pickle Fairy.

A little digging around found this and this but I don't think either of these are what the girls had in mind.

Tomorrow's mission - find out what the pickle fairy is.